Have you ever told a team member, “don’t share this with anyone”? Or had someone say that to you?
Most of us have. But if you’re in a position of authority and you say this to a direct report—BOOM. Thin ice instantly appears under both of your feet. What feels like a small request has just created a precarious predicament.
Why? Because both of you are implicated—you in the sharing, them in the knowing.
When you ask a team member to keep something from their peers, you’re asking them to step into secrecy. It may not seem like a big deal, but it nudges them into divided loyalty: allegiance to their boss versus transparency with their colleagues. That tension erodes trust on all sides.
Now—yes—there are times when confidential measures are necessary. But more often, leaders make this request for reasons that don’t serve the team. Sometimes it’s because we don’t want to be alone holding the heavy bag of knowledge. Other times we want a sounding board, but we choose someone on the team instead of a neutral confidant. And occasionally, we use secrecy as a shortcut to building trust—when in reality, it can have the opposite effect.
Here’s the better move: pause before you make the request. Ask yourself—
- Does this person really need to know this information right now?
- If yes, is there a legitimate reason it must be kept hidden?
- What positive outcome comes from them knowing? Can they contribute in a way no one else can?
Nine times out of ten, the better path is transparency and direct communication. It may feel harder in the moment, but it builds a culture on bedrock instead of thin ice.
